Trusting Your Instincts

Trusting your instincts. We all have gut instincts that tell us whether or not something feels right. Learning to trust those instincts can be difficult.

In my life I have found myself doubting my instincts, and then regretting, later finding out if I had gone with my gut instinct things would have been different, and better. Through the years after not trusting my instinct, I started doubting my judgment period. Wanting to put that behind me, I have resolved to start trusting my instincts. How can you start trusting instincts when past has proven you as not a good judge of what's right and wrong?

Hindsight is 20/20 they say and how true that is. Now entering a new phase in my life, I wonder if I can trust my instincts. I want to trust them when I feel that my life is getting better and better and I have to let down the walls and learn to trust others again. Is it that easy though? Not at all.

In my first manuscript, trusting someone with her heart, my heroine found was most difficult. After writing The End, I realized that allowing her to begin to trust the hero of the story, I found myself letting go of pieces of the walls surrounding my heart. As it was shattered in the near past, I realized that sometimes you don't trust your instincts and it brings more pain than is bearable.

So as I enter this new phase in my life, walls built up high around my heart, yet not letting go of the love of my life, I wonder if I can trust again. Can I allow those walls to crash down and can I allow my hero to help repair those shattered pieces. My instinct says yes. How well can I trust that instinct if in the past I have ignored it and regretted it.

If we can write happily ever after, why can't we live it? No, we can't write the hero to do exactly as we want, but can we write our life to be as free as conflict as possible and allow ourselves to be strong and instinctive. As parents we are instinctive on how to protect our children, yet with ourselves we don't always trust our instincts and instead shut ourselves away, or hurt people we love just to get the first hurt in thinking it will save us from being hurt. In the end it only hurts us more deeply than we could have imagined.

Renewed Goals

I just finished the Winter Writing Festival from the Ruby Slippered Sisterhood. It was a fabulous time with writing sprints, supportive writers and meeting new friends. Participating in a writing festival like this pushed me to get on my writing again, setting new goals and working towards them.

I find setting monthly goals more workable than the yearly goals. Short term goals have a light at the end, easier (for me) to fulfill, which in turn brings me a renewed sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

Upon finishing the WWF at the end of February, I was able to jump in with some writing friends to do an informal March Madness. Keeping each other accountable during these monthly goals/sprints makes me more aware of my goals and somehow the competitiveness in my kicks in and the writing pours out.

So my goal for March -- finish my current novel Mirrored Deception. I have already started the process of editing with my critique group, which also gives me a push to finish it as they want to know more of what is going on, and what will happen next.

What are you March goals -- writing or just life related?

Cabin Fever

I have lived in New England all my life and yet winter is not my favorite season. In fact, I absolutely hate the snow. I'm not an outdoor person, especially in winter, and do everything I can to avoid going out in the terrible white stuff.

This winter we have been bombarded with snowstorms, week after week. Awakening this morning to yet another snowstorm, I am starting to feel the walls close in on me. The driveway gets narrower and narrower with no place to put the newly fallen snow. I can't even get to my front door with the amount of snow we have.

I long to get away to someplace warm and tropical. A beach to lie on, soaking up the sun. Instead I sit inside and try to write. At least my characters can enjoy the sun and ocean, the warmth of a summer season, or the crispness of fall.

I long for the feel of warm sand under my feet as I listen to the waves lapping the beach. A few years ago my kids gave me a picture of the ocean, that when turned on has the sound of waves. This picture soothes my cabin fever.

Do you have a favorite season? Or a season that makes you just want to climb the walls?

Moving Forward

Changes in our lives come in many ways. I sit here this morning thinking about some changes my son is going through. He just played his last basketball season of his middle school life. They were undefeated through the season and the tournament, taking first place. His love of basketball is amazing for me to watch. He has spent years perfecting the game, spending hours at practice, open gym and outside in our yard shooting -- even in the middle of winter. He works hard at this love he has and it shows. As he transitions to high school and looks forward to his high school basketball career I notice the similarities we have.

As a new writer, I started with taking classes to learn the profession. The rights, the wrongs and the in between. As my writing progressed, the more I was compelled to "practice" and increased my efforts to learn the craft. Rejection after rejection spurred me on to perfect my love. When the email came that my first novel had sold, it projected me into a new phase of this profession. Continuing to write, working with critique partners, moving more in to social media and getting my name out there with a web page took on new meaning.

Our lives change daily. Decisions we make change us. Circumstances in our lives change us. I look at the changes I have been through, some with awe that I made it through and some with regret of the choices I made, but I look at the course my life is taking with excitement and a renewed love for my writing.

Welcome the changes in your life and enjoy the ride.

My Favorite Time

Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year. Decorating the tree with family around, buying presents for your loved ones with anticipation of seeing their faces upon opening said gifts, baking, Christmas movies and music.....I could go on and on.

This year is a little different for me. My oldest daughter is away at college, therefore not home to help decorate the tree. Due to several financial issues, the gift buying is minimal. We did get the tree decorated and some holiday baking started. The Christmas movies have been on nightly and music playing on my trek back and forth to my day job.

However, as I reflect on past years and what has been important to me through the holidays, I struggle this year due to the family not being together. This past year has been a tough year for my family with separation, financial issues, etc. As I reflect on what's important, I realize I don't care about the gifts, even the holiday baking, movies, music. The one thing that is most important to me is having my family together for this occasion. To be surrounded by ones you love is the magic of the season. A husband holding you close as you want kids open presents, kids glowing because of the fun. It's infectious. I love seeing my children anxiously awaiting a sibling to open a gift from them, just dying to see if they are thrilled with it.

In our household for as long as I can remember Christmas starts at anytime after two a.m. Yes, we actually get up at two a.m. and start opening presents. Santa is usually very generous in bringing a family movie to watch when the presents are done, and then breakfast with the grandparents starts the process all over again.

Yes, Christmas is my favorite time of the year and this year all I want for Christmas is for my family to be together, (and maybe a netbook for my writing.)

The Email

I have heard people talk about the thrill of "the call". A writer can only imagine that moment, until it happens.

This past week I received "the email" that was offering me a contract on my first manuscript. I was at my day job and could hardly stay seated when all I wanted to do was jump up and tell everyone that would listen -- and even those that wouldn't. A feeling of satisfaction of something well done -- must be well done if a publisher wants it, right? A feeling of pride that I had produced this, a feeling of overwhelming amazement that this was happening to me.

As I punched out the number to my husband's cell phone, the first to tell, I couldn't wait for him to pick up. The words "they offered me a contract" came out and he immediately knew what I was talking about. My husband has been my biggest supporter and fan through the waiting process and writing process. Who else would be the perfect one to share the news with first?

Two days later, I'm still flying from the realization that I'm going to be a published author. Sharing the news with other authors is rewarding as they know the hardness and reality of rejections and unsureness as we send out our babies to agents or publishers. Tell me about your "call/email".

Heroes

Who is your hero? As I was a kid, my daddy was my hero. He could do anything, make anything better. Okay, he's still my hero. Regardless of how old I have gotten, my dad can still make things better with just a smile, a hug or just a cup of coffee and a chat.

As my children grow, I wonder who their heroes are. My oldest daughter in her freshman year at college states her younger brother is her hero. He has inspired her to go into the field of speech and language pathology with his hard work to overcome, and live a normal (whatever normal is) life with his autism. My son has worked hard to overcome his nonverbal state. He learned sign language in order to communicate with us, and then after the age of three started to verbalize. He spent a lot of hard work on occupational therapy to control his sensory overload.

When I wrote my first book, my hero in the book was very similar to another one of my heroes -- my husband. The hero in my story was kindhearted, loving and had a quiet strength about him. This is a man that is supportive, encouraging and just picks you up when you are down. My first book wouldn't have been written without that support and encouragement from my husband.

So whether you write, or are a reader, what is your ideal hero? Or who is your real life hero? What makes a hero? Hard work and perseverance, or is it someone that is just always there?

We all need heroes in our lives, and we all need to strive to be a hero in someone else's life.

Motivation?

What happens when we have our feet pulled out from under us? I have recently come back from a hiatus from writing as personal crisis in the family took all motivation from me to be involved in anything writer related. No words flowed onto the empty screen, no desire to communicate with my writer friends. Life suddenly became hollow and undesirable. How do we allow personal circumstances not to deter us from writing?

When life gets in the way, we easily push the writing aside. Yet we carry on at our day jobs as a necessity. Days you don’t want to work, you force yourself out of bed and into the office just because that is where the paycheck comes from. When does the writing become top priority in your life? How do you break through the personal circumstances and push out the story anyway? So much emotion can come from your personal circumstances to make your story enriched. But the idea of making it actual happen can be fear gripping. Life can push you on and motivate you or it can paralyze you.

Pushing through my fear this past week, I was able to finally put words to empty screen after three months of complete emptiness. Writing is something I love, yet couldn’t motivate myself to do it because I lost my biggest supporter of my writing. Pushing through that fear was freeing. Showing up for a writer’s meeting locally was another motivator. What motivated me to continue? Writer friends that continued to send me emails, messages encouraging me to continue.

Where do you find your motivation when it feels hollow and empty?

Post Mother's Day Thoughts

As we travel through life, our journeys can take us in numerous directions. In my journey now I wear many hats -- medical secretary, mom, wife, writer, housekeeper, counselor, cook just to name a few. Some of these jobs are a pleasure while other I could do without.

The most rewarding job I have ever had is being a mom. Rewards are bountiful when the children are little and come in forms of flowers picked from the yard (mostly dandelions), drawn pictures hanging on the refrigerator, or what is more rewarding than hearing a nonverbal child say "I love you" for the first time.

As children grow, rewards come in other ways. Rewards of a teenager wanting to spend time with me, shopping or sharing my love for reading and attending a book signing for the first time. Rewards of being shared with teenage troubles and really wanting my advice.

My oldest daughter recently went on her senior class trip to NYC. This is a child that is preparing to move away next year for college - yet, how my heart warms when she called just to "share" aspects of her trip with me that couldn't wait until she got home.

Life is short. I look back over my children's years of growth and don't regret one moment of putting off housework to play with my kids when they were little. I don't regret putting them high on the priority list. Would I have loved to throw myself into a writing career when the kids were little? Definitely. But at that time, my priorities required me to put my kids first. Two young girls and an autistic son. Do I regret not writing sooner? Not at all.

Relationships are what you make of them. I have enjoyed my children through every aspect of their lives thus far. I look forward to enjoying them as they enter adulthood and make their own choices.

Being a mom is the most rewarding job I have had ever had.

Putting Aside Disappointment

Disappointment comes in waves. This week it feels like I'm drowning in them between life issues that have come up and then Friday night receiving yet another rejection for my book. If not for the major kick in the butt from a writer friend of mine, I would give up completely. So I continue on in my endeavor of getting published.

With new resolve, I have decided to move on to book #2, which is a quarter of the way completed and dive into it once more. In researching cost of breast cancer treatment, I realize how important this walk my daughter is doing for the cure of breast cancer. So many people are uninsured, or have very limited insurance, and the costs of treatment for breast cancer are staggering. We need to take a step back, dig down if we can and contribute to the cause. Breast cancer has touched my life through my great aunt and my grandmother. Have you been touched by this disease either through a family member or a close friend?

I was here. It's such an appropriate song for all of us to stand up and make a difference whether it is for something such as breast cancer or if it is just touching other peoples lives.

I urge you to make a difference and donate if possible to this cause here.

So I put aside my disappointment in yet another rejection and move on in my writing. In learning more of the different aspects of this terrible disease, I urge you to help, if you can, to find a cure.

I Was Here

I was here. This has become the theme song for my daughter. She's 18 now and has decided she wants to touch people lives in a way that makes a real difference. High expectations? I don't think so. Alexa has always been a very kind hearted child. Her newest endeavor is a three day walk for a cure for breast cancer in Boston, MA in July. This is a 60 mile walk over the course of three days, 20 miles a day, which requires each participant to raise $2,300 in sponsors.

Having a grandmother and a great aunt who both had breast cancer, I whole heartedly support her in this endeavor. How many woman have been touched by this disease in one way or another either by having it themselves or having a loved one be inflicted. As I watch Alexa train for this walking up to 6 miles a day at this point, with blisters on her heels, I am amazed at her determination to touch someone's life.

Every day I watch her I am learning a lesson of the person I should be, and want to be. How often do we get caught up in our own lives with all the stress, mundane tasks, and just every day life, that we just don't give a thought to things of this nature.

I ask any of you that may feel the desire to help to donate towards Alexa's goal to help find the cure for breast cancer. Donations can be made under Alexa Davis' name here.

I thank all of you that may contribute to such a worthy cause. My hope is with this post we will all endeavor to touch someone's life through our own everyday life.

Compassion

Where do you learn compassion from? As a child my parents tried to teach compassion to us, teaching us to do the right thing. Yet as we grow and life circumstances change our view on things, compassion sometimes isn't foremost in our mind. What has hit me in the last few days is that there is always a lesson we can learn from our children. The other night at the dinner table, my oldest daughter asked if a friend of hers could spend the night at our house. Apparently he had left his mom's house and was sleeping in his car.

Now I'm not against taking kids in -- however, I do question why they have left their house and what is going on with them. My household has rigid rules and yet I find that we always have a lot of extra kids around just to hang out. After a lengthy discussion with my daughter, we discussed how years ago she had stood by this same friend when he was removed from his mom's house due to abuse from his brother. She continued their friendship when he moved out of state and when he finally came back home. Now as they are seniors she still longs to take care of people. She has always had a kind heart.

So agreeing, we have a visitor for the night and again the next night. I look at my children, thinking that something right must have been instilled in them. They know the right thing to do and how to be a good friend to someone.

What lessons do you learn from your children or even young adults you may know? Do we take this lessons for granted or do we allow them to touch our lives, allowing ourselves to learn and grow in our own lives.

Separation Anxiety

We have two dogs in our house -- a greyhound and a springer spaniel. The springer spaniel, whose name is Domino, but is more fondly called Fats Domino due to his overweight nature has not adjusted well to me going to work outside of the house. When I closed my transcription business last year and sought work outside the house, Domino became very needy after being alone with Bay (the greyhound) all day.

Yesterday Domino was having a terrible time with the wind blowing outside and sat on the top stair where we have a gait across so he can't wake up the kids in the morning. He cried and barked. When my oldest daughter got up, he followed her downstairs to the kitchen while she got her breakfast and then trailed after her when she went to the living room. Later that day after the girls got home from school, Domino decided that he needed to be on the bottom shelf of the computer that my daughter was using. We have decided the poor thing is suffering from separation anxiety.

Domino needless to say has become very needy demanding attention all evening. Anyone else have pets that suffer from separation anxiety?

Growing Up

I picked up my daughter last night from her two week trip to California. Now she is 18 and preparing for college in the fall and the one thing that struck me is how grown up she is. As I listened to her talk about her trip and how much she hates New Hampshire and the cold weather, I realized my daughter is a young woman now, not my little girl. Yes, in a lot of aspects she will always be my little girl. She still makes me smile with her way of joking that just teases you out of a blue mood.

As we talked about colleges and when she wants to go I feel a sense of pride. She has grown into a responsible adult with a good head on her shoulders. I feel confident as she goes out into the world that she will succeed at whatever she puts her mind too. Am I sad to see her go? Of course, but I also overwhelming good about her going. She's ready to leave the nest.

Does that make me a bad mother for telling her to go to the college furthest away because I know she is ready? I had always heard how kids going away to college is so hard and you don't want them to go, yet to me it seems such like a natural process.

I enjoyed my kids immensely when they were little, and I must admit I enjoy my teenage kids. I'm extremely blessed to have children that don't give me major problems.

So instead of tears in my eyes from loss as my daughter prepares for college, I have tears from pride and joy at seeing grown into the young woman she is. Ren -- You will go far!!

Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

I have been very lax about posting a blog lately and I apologize. Today, though, it hit me as I was driving home from the airport. I had just left my 18 year old who is leaving for California for two weeks. She was standing in line to go through security when she told me she was so nervous she was shaking, yet knew how much fun she was going to have.

As I drove home I thought about my daughter and all that she has done this past year. In September she decided to participate in Miss Teen NH because it was simply something she had never done and had decided she was going to try new things her senior year. That first morning of the weekend of the pageant she told me never to let her do it again because it was way too far out of her comfort zone. At the end of the weekend, she couldn't wait to do it again. She had made tons of new friends, grew more confident and just realized that she could succeed at whatever she wanted if she stepped outside of her comfort zone.

Working through edits, and staring at pages that need to be rewritten, I realize I need to take a lesson from my daughter and step out of my comfort zone and make my heart's desire a realty -- to be a published author. So with renewed motivation, and determination, I am stepping out of my comfort zone and putting new energy into my writing.

What do you desire to do that requires stepping out of your comfort zone?

New Year's Goals vs. Resolutions

A New Year is coming. Do you get caught up in making New Year's resolutions? I have in the past and then am disappointed when I don't keep them. As I reflect this year on my goals - not so much resolutions - I realize the best way to reach them is to make sure they are attainable.

Life throws curve balls all the time at us and therefore I have decide instead of making New Year's resolutions, I am setting short term and long term goals for the year.

Short term -- by the end of February I will have my manuscript fully edited and ready for submission (it has partially been requested at this point). Within six months, by June, I would like to have a rough draft completed of my already started sequel. By year's end - goal is to have the first manuscript sold, and the sequel polished and ready for submission. Are these goals doable? Definitely.

I truly feel that setting smaller goals makes them easier to reach. What goals are you making for the New Year? Will you be making short term and long term goals?

Christmas - It's not in the gifts

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I love going and cutting our own tree, decorating it with the family with Christmas music playing, the family get-togethers and best of all the buying of presents for others.

This year has been a struggle for me to get in the Christmas spirit. After losing my job earlier in the year, finances have been tight. It was a toss up whether there would even be a Christmas this year in our household. Last week, yes, just a week before the big day, I was able to go do a little shopping for my children. Although happy that I could do as much as I did, I was still sad that I couldn't do more.

Last night sitting in the living room with the Christmas lights on, I was chatting with my 14 year old daughter. I mentioned that I hoped they weren't disappointed on Christmas. When she asked what do you mean? I explained that they were only getting one gift each and I just hoped they weren't disappointed. My heart swelled with pride as I listened to her reply -- "Mom, Christmas isn't in the gifts."

She's absolutely right. It's not in the gifts. It's in the birth of Jesus that we celebrate, in the time that we actually take to be with friends and family. In reflecting in this, I looked back over the past year with the financial difficulties, my oldest daughter being in a car accident and my husband away so much on travel. Our family was always taken care of despite the financial difficulties. There was always food on the table, heat in the house and a roof over our heads. Yes, my daughter was in a terrible car accident and from looking at the car I had wondered how she even walked away. But again, my daughter is here and looking forward to college and her adult life. My husband has been gone seven out of the last ten days for business trips and a lot more than that over the past year, but my husband has a great job that he absolutely loves and he is my biggest supporter in my writing.

So as I had to be told by my 14 year old daughter, Christmas isn't in the gifts. My life is filled with my gifts that cannot be found in a store. What do you have for gifts that aren't under your tree?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Connect The Dots

As I was sitting in my office the other night contemplating my next blog, my friend Denise Robbins asked me to join in some blogging fun in her countdown to the release of Connect The Dots. Of course, I said yes! If you haven't come to this blog in search of an answer, start at Denise's blog for the beginning of the Connect The Dots journey for questions that will lead you in search of the answers.

If you have been brought here by another link in search of an answer -- read on and in my Christmas memories you will find the answer.

Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year. It's not in the gifts I usually receive, although I will admit I love getting presents -- but it's in picking out that perfect gift for whomever you're buying for. One of my favorite Christmas' was when I was younger, much younger. My dad worked for the electric company and as happened from time to time, he got called out to service lines due to a power outage on Christmas morning. My two sisters and I decided we wanted to wait for dad to come home before proceeding with opening more gifts. As time passed, and boredom set in, there was one gift under the tree from a family friend to the three girls. It was the perfect size for a board game. We decided to open that one present so we could play a game while we waited for dad to come home. Tearing off the wrapping paper, lo and behold we struck gold -- a five pound box of chocolates. No, no board game -- but chocolates. Well, of course mom wasn't game in letting us eat them all so my sister decided to pull out one more present to be opened. The one she had bought me that year. As I tore open the present, I found the game I had been waiting for -- CONNECT FOUR.

For the young people reading this, yes, we had games that weren't on the computer. We played board games for hours. Now I can still play that old favorite game on the computer when I am supposed to be writing -- much like the heroine that we are learning about in Connect The Dots. ;)

Be sure to visit Denise's blog to post your answer. And to continue the fun, the next question is:

What is the name of the heroine in Connect The Dots? Where did Denise get her last name? On Thursday visit http://www.crystalposey.blogspot.com for the next answer.

Thanksgiving Contemplations

As I sit here this morning on Thanksgiving, I think back to the past year. This past year has been full of loss of employment, financial difficulties, car accidents and stress to the max. In it all, I am very thankful to have my family around me. My kids for being themselves. For all the hugs in the mornings and nights from them. I'm thankful my oldest daughter was not more injured in her car accident this year and has a full life ahead of her to enjoy. And I am extremely thankful to have the support of a husband who stood by me through the loss of my business, the financial difficulties following that and most of all for his support in all my writing endeavors. What more can a person ask for?

Has it been a tough year? Most definitely. Has it been a year that I can actually be the most thankful for? Absolutely. Life has a way of bringing you ups and downs, or speed bumps as my husband says, but in return you have the joy of realizing you're not alone in any of it. If you have family that stands by you, your life is more rich than money can bring.

Happy Thanksgiving to all -- and count your blessings.

Don't Take Life For Granted

A mother's worse nightmare is to have her child being late coming home and then receive a phone call from the police stating the child was in a car accident. That phone call in an instant changes everything--your outlook on life, what's important and how things are prioritized.

I'm a writer and I look for every opportunity to write. A quiet spot here, steal a few minutes there. After that phone call, my look changed for at least a little while. My daughter was home, bruised, but in one piece. The feeling of almost losing her was too much to take for granted that she was alive. One look at the car reiterated to me that I had almost lost her. She should have been more hurt by the look of it.

My own writing took a backseat last week as I spent every moment I could with her. The bruising and soreness lingers along with the feeling of protectiveness that has once again overtaken me. Yes, she is just about 18--within days now--but she will forever be that little girl that I adored and have grown to admire as she came into adulthood. She has a kind heart and a gentle soul. To lose something that precious is unthinkable.

So writing didn't happen last week and this week I'm starting slowly again to get into it, but suddenly it's okay to stop if the kids just need to talk or just need a hug. Writing I will always have, my kids I'm blessed to have and hope that blessing continues for many, many years.

I will never take another moment for granted. Always say I love you and give that hug. It might just be the last you give.